Space, Francis' Harem, Highlander Girlfriend
by: Philip Hassey

        I have been reading the Hitchiker's Series again. They almost inspired me to turn these stories into a "zany Shen get's abducted by space aliens" story. All of first up in a mothership, trying to live out our college education, while being forced to run through mazes.
        Either that or, I would have Fealko build a rocket in the back behind Shen, and we'd all get in it and leave Earth to find the beautiful planet of women. We'd go there, overthrow the current reigning Harem king, and instill ourselves as the rulers and Harem leaders.

        That was one theory I had before I went to college. I would arrive there, and because there is a 3:1 ratio of women to men at Houghton, I figured that left 2/3 of the women for me. Six hundred of them, they would take me into their arms, and carry me on a little throne while waving palm trees at me and dropping grapes in my mouth. However, that didn't happen to me, it happened to my roommate.
        The Harem must have had a few dozen people in it all total (see fold out in Appendix A).
        "Luke," I said, "I think you're in the Harem."
        "I am not," shouted Luke. He didn't want to be in the Harem. I bet he even had ten verses for why.
        "You are too, you are one of the sub-level domineering males in the group!"
        "No, I'm not," said Luke, "A guy can't be in a Harem."
        "Yes," I exclaimed, "You can, I made up the rules. See, his harem has three separate zones, we'll label them A, B and C. There are also four rungs, we'll label those I, II, III, IV." I began to draw this out on a piece of paper.
        "That was important!" shouted Luke.
        "Now it's more important," I replied, "See Francis is the one person in rung I, he's the Harem King, at the top. Once a girl makes it to the top rung with Francis, the Harem should collapse."
        "How does that make me in the Harem?" asked Luke.
        "Well, look down here," I pointed, "See in zone C on rung III there is a spot with you and two girls under you. Matt is the same way, on the opposite side in zone A, and Gordo is on the bottom on rung IV. He's right below Matt, see."
        "But there isn't anyone below Gordo."
        "That's because he's working to get up into the Harem structure so that women will come running after him. He just got in, so it may be a while."
        "What are you guys talking about?" yelled Francis as he marched in.
        "Your Harem," Luke told him.
        "Luke is in it," I said.
        "I don't want any guys in my Harem," cried Francis.
        "Matt and Gordo too," I added.
        "I don't want any guys in my Harem," cried Francis again, "And besides I don't even have a Harem."
        Everyone stopped and looked at Francis and waited for him to repent for his lie. He didn't.
        "I don't," he cried.
        "Stop crying, you do too," I said, "I see them every day, when they put you on that cot and carry you around the quad while they wave palm branches at you, play flutey music and drop grapes in your mouth while they wear their seductive Harem outfits."
        "I don't wear a seductive Harem outfit," said Luke, "That means I'm not in the Harem."
        "No, you don't," I said, "You're one of the pole bearers for his cot, you just take your shirt off and wear chains around your arms."
        Yep, there may have been herds of women at Houghton, but all of them were chasing Francis down, leaving very little for the rest of us to pick up on.

        For a while back on Highlander there did seem to be hope I thought. There was this girl named Jen. She was kind of nice. So I said,
        "Hi, Phil," said Jen. That was a pretty seductive conversation if you ask me. Anyone who will respond pleasantly to you when you're hiking through the woods and smelling really bad must want you. Of course, I liked all the other girls in my group too, but Jen was the one that showed interest, I imagined.
        Eventually one time when we were driving somewhere, Jen sat next to me. She was definitely making the moves. After a while, she started to lean closer. Wow, I said to myself. I've been a Houghton student for three days now, and already the girls are going after me. Wow. Maybe I should seductively return the motion by putting my arm around her. That would be special. Wow, I got a girl friend at Houghton in three days. I'm a hunk.
        I sat there thinking about that, and about the wild possibility of putting my arm around this girl next to me. Her name was Jen and I think she liked me. Wow. Girls. Girls are pretty, and this one is near me, and wants me to put my arm around her. Maybe I will, just maybe I will. And as I began to wind up the courage, we stopped and got out, smelled bad and hiked more. About twenty-nine hours later she had another boy friend, who she kept for more than seven minutes this time. For the rest of the trip I got to sit next to Erin Miller, the guy.
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