by: Philip Hassey

        IM is an evil device. It is a silly way to talk with people using line by line text. For the most part I found it extremely dumb because people frequently used it to talk to others who were down the hall. Lukey didn't use IM, but one time he called me on the phone from across the hall instead of yelling. I went into his room and pounded him for it.
        However, over breaks I didn't have anyway to talk to my college friends but IM, short of using the phone or writing letters. All of which are considerably more redeemable forms of communication, yet more expensive and effort taking. I couldn't figure out how to sign up for a name, so Justin gave me one of his old ones. To thank him for the free IM name, over Christmas break I gave Justin a girlfriend. She wasn't real, but pretend girlfriends are fun too. I told one of Justin's friends named Mark about her.

Auslandern: hey mark, did justin tell you about his girlfriend?
whymisotrd: no
Auslandern: he met this chick anmed julia, and chilled with her for a few weeks.
whymisotrd: oh
Auslandern: she had green hair then, though it might not be green now
whymisotrd: sounds like justin's kind of chick
Auslandern: she also worships the great pizante
whymisotrd: who's that
Auslandern: that's the reason she ditched justin I thikn. I think she uses guys to try to mister them into the great
pizant clan or something
Auslandern: he is the leader of the pizant religeon. he sits in a lawn chair, and talks or something
whymisotrd: can I join?
Auslandern: if you come to houghton, and visit him

        When I told Justin about the girlfriend I made for him, he told me that I should get him that girlfriend. I thought of one girl that was like that, but she was already taken.
        Inventing a girl that worships some strange god wasn't too difficult. All imaginary things worship strange gods and have pink hair. The gods always sit in lawnchairs, and get talked to out in a field down the road about the troubles of being a worshipable figure. The god tends to be one that promotes hedonism. Fake girls even have IM accounts.

PizantChick: h3y mark y0ur a l0s3r.
whymisotrd: who is this?
PizantChick: jul1a, just1n t0ld m3 I had t0 talk to y0(_)
whymisotrd: oh, so how's the pizant doing?
PizantChick: h3'$ d01|\|g g00d, s+i11 out in th3 c|-|@1r
whymisotrd: I can't read anyhting you type

        Fake girls type weird too. She told him all about how Justin even got a kiss. And she explained how I was cuter than he was, but since I was taken she had to go for the lesser of two men. Justin wasn't too great of a kisser, but not bad for not having kissed a girl before. My first kiss was pretty outright pathetic (see The Green Canoe in Story Hour).

        Well, since fake girls are fake, eventually they get found out. Justin spilled the beans on this one. We even got as far as having Mark meet her. Its amazing how imaginary girls can just pop out of the sky and start strutting around and talking to guys, as if they had been invited all along. I guess that's kind of what happened with me and Nan. For a few seconds one day I imagined this girl that I would marry if I found her. Then all of a sudden Nan pops out from behind a bush. So I marry her. The concept would seem the same, but no matter how long I look at that burgundy chair in the corner it is failing to turn into a lush recliner with a lemonade next to it, and pink stripes.
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