Paul's Feet, The Baggage Ceremony
by: Philip Hassey

        "Lukey!" I screamed as I ran into Luke's room in a frantic panic of despair, "I have baggage!" Then I smashed myself down onto his bed, and gingerly avoided putting my feet onto the bed. Because of the incident that had occurred only a week earlier when we had our Baggage Hour Bible study.

        "Hey Luke," said Paul on that fated night.
        "Yeah," said Luke.
        "Let's open up to Romans," said Paul, "I think we should do a verse by verse study of Romans."
        "Your feet are on my bed," said Luke.
        "So? Turn to Romans, worry about my feet later," said Paul. And Paul pulled his legs up further onto the bed so his feet were entirely on the bed.
        "Your feet are on my bed," said Luke, "get them off."
        "Don't be rediculous," said Paul, "My feet are fine."
        "No," said Luke, "They're disgusting." I guess Luke had a point, Paul's feet were disgusting and had a thick coat of what appeared to be callouses that were somehow blackish from mud pounded into them over the year, and I could see a few bugs stuck between his toes. One of them was waving a strange red tentacle at me, and I gave it a dirty look, and it crawled back under Paul's toenail.
        "Who cares," I said to Luke, "Let's read Romans."
        "I can't do this study with his feet on my bed," said Luke.
        "Then go away," said Paul, "We'll do this without you."
        "Take them off!" cried out Luke, he looked very unhappy about the situation, maybe he saw the bug with the red tentacle too.
        "Okay," said Paul, "Jeepers. Baggage."

        "I have so much baggage," I cried to Lukey.
        "What is it?" asked Luke in a tastelessly concerned voice.
        "Womenfolk," I said, "I need to be debagged. I think I need the ceremony."
        "The ceremony," said Luke, in the deepest reverence. He walked to the door like a priest and locked it and walked back to his desk and sat down, "Are you sure you're prepared for this?"
        "Yes," I said, "I am, it is the only way."
        Luke stood up again, walked to the window and closed the two inches of window that were still open. And then covered the blinds all the way, so no light could come in through the window. I'm not about to do anything tasteless, don't worry. Then Luke said something mysterious and the lights seemed to dim.
        "If it comes to that then fine," said Luke, he sat down again, and took a single tissue from the tissue box. I stood up and watched.
        The speech he gave, "This tissue, as found in the tissue box for following moments will be your Womenfolk Baggage. Take the tissue and look at it. Focus all the Womenfolk Baggage into the tissue." He gave me a few moments of silence to take care of putting my baggage into the tissue. When I was done I nodded solemnly. "Now hold it high in the air. And then drop it, letting it flutter gently to the ground. By this you are releasing your baggage from your person." I gently held it high in the air, and then let it flutter down. About half way down Luke reached over to his spiritual gun rack, and took out the largest spiritual elephant gun he had and blasted the tissue in mid flight about a thousand times with the most outrageous ruckus he could muster. After which the tissue continued to flutter to the ground, having been spiritual annihilated. "Now shout at it!" commanded Luke.
        I shouted, "Die baggage die!"
        "Shout louder," he commanded.
        I shouted, "Die baggage die!"
        "Louder!" he yelled.
        I screamed, "Die Baggage Die!"
        "Now jump on it!" he yelled out.
        I began to jump up and down on it, screaming the whole time. Yelling things of bitterness and horror to the demise of the tissue.
        "Now grab it, and spit on it!" he ordered loudly, I did, "again! Now rip it into little pieces, throw them into the air, and let them fall to the ground again!"
        "Arrrrrrgh!" I cried as I tore them into small pieces and threw them into the air, then ground them into the floor with my feet.
        Calmly Luke bent over, and touched my shoulder as I lay prostrate on the floor bashing the tissue with my bare hands, "Now you may pick it up and deposit it in the trash." I did so, and he said, "Paul will come by later to bless the situation. You have been freed, my friend."
        I left the room knowing I had been freed from the baggage of women. Spiritual advisor Paul was going to sanctify the situation. I was blessed.
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