Second Semester Harems, Lukey in the Pool
by: Philip Hassey

        So I suppose at that point I had survived one whole semester of Houghton college. I wasn't intact, of course. I had managed to rip part of my face of in a sledding incident while I was impressing chicks. I guess they were impressed, but that still didn't get me a harem.
        Justin didn't have a harem either, though I'm pretty sure he wanted one. Ever since the time that I talked to some chick named Nan for a few minutes, he's been bugging me to go out with her.
        "Why must you never stop harassing us?" I asked him.
        "Because," he said, "It's all part of my master plan, don't worry, just go out with her."
        "What master plan? Since when is me going out with a girl named Nan going to do you any good?"
        "Trust me, it will," said Justin. I didn't.
        "I don't," I said, "So what are you going to get out of this?"
        "Nadine," he said. Nadine was that chick that all I remember saying was, "I didn't come to college for my M.R.S."
        "How," I asked, "do you figure you're going to get that girl by me going out with Nan."
        "I've got it all figured out," said Justin deviously. I think starting about then was when he started saying most of the things I heard him say deviously, "it all has to do with harem systems."
        Ooooo. Harem systems. The word harem made my mind flash with interest in the junk he was talking just because they amused me so much.
        "You see," said Justin, which at that point I still didn't see, "Nadine is in a harem with Heidi."
        I nodded.
        "And, Nan and Jen are in another harem with Abigail," explained Justin ever so carefully, "And Abigail and them are in a harem under my roommate John."
        "I don't get it," I said.
        "But," said Justin, "If you took Nan, that would overthrow the Abigail harem, and John would give up and move on to the Heidi and Nadine harem, and they would hang out with John. And I could hang out with John, and get Nadine."
        "Wow," I said, because he was preaching true amazement to me. The argument that he had set forth amazed me so much that I determined myself not to let it work, and to tell everyone about it using an elaborate choreography of salt and pepper shakers in the cafeteria. I didn't waste that much salt either during the part where the harems explode into the air and five hundred women land in Justin's lap. But I did manage to ruin somebody's hamburger.

        "This hamburger is a by product of a carbon based protein filled life form. I think I can even see the metazoan on the surface," said Luke. That settled it, he had to be thrown in the pool.
        "Hey Lukey," I said, "Do you want to go to the pool tonight with us?" I asked.
        "No," he said, "I need to study my biology."
        "All you're doing in there is reading the reproductive system chapters again and again," I said, "come in the pool with us."
        "No," said Lukey, "I have to study."

        "Let's throw Luke in the pool," I said to Justin, "He hasn't been out of his room in over three weeks except for classes and sometimes for meals. I think his brain has turned into a rather mushy biology textbook, and I figure the chlorine will do his head some good. If not the rest of him."
        "Okay," said Justin. But we never got around to it.
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