Phil -- It was always a dream of the Hassey parents for their son to run away and join the circus. Alas, Phil Hassey lacked the necessary skill or ambition, so they had to take the step and sell him to a half-rate fair, where he was displayed as "the fat kid." He was soon let go, since around that time children all over American started porking up, and fat kids could be seen everywhere without requiring the viewer to shell out a nickel.
Disgusted with the state of America's youth, and himself, Phil decided to forsake the path of obesity and become a "strongman." He began religiously running, doing pushups, and strutting about in the snow with his shirt off. In between posing for calender photos, he plays the viola, and i think he's featured on this album somewhere.
Jill -- Jill Whitten left her home at a young age to pursue her life ambition of becoming a travelling graffiti artist. Her goal was to leave her mark on every boxcar in the lower 48. In 1999, however, she was caught defacing government property and deported to Africa. Unabashed, she continued her work. Needless to say, the African authorities were displeased when they began finding bright green and purple "art" on their giraffes, elephants, and other large fauna. Disgusted with her disregard for nature and all things living, they shipped her back to the States and forced her to give up graffiti and turn to the less destructive art of fiddling.
In May, 2003, she married Paul Inge. A year later, she entered the realms of fame and fortune on the coattails of Peddler's Tune. To her closest friends, however, she admits that her prior ambition is not dead, but simply dormant.
Paul -- Paul spent the first twelve years of his life in front of a mirror, holding his breath and pushing in vain attempts at growing chest hair. Illness and malnutrition finally forced him to admit defeat, and for the following year he wallowed in a state of deep depression, talking to no one and eating only raw vegetables.
Though his sickly constitution banned him from the "burly" category, it placed him very nicely in the "artsy" category, which he considered to be the next best thing. Finally coming to terms with his identity, Paul bought a guitar.
Since that time, Paul has risen above the sorry hand that life delt him, and has subdued both the "artsy" and "burly" category by mastering the guitar and growing an impressive 48 pack. He now works as a body adviser for strongmen all over the country, including Phil.
Paul is truly a self-made man.
Tim -- Having struggled through childhood being used as a object of scorn by his family, Tim made it his life goal to make so much money that he could buy women, power, cars, and the ability to dominate the universe one cattle prod at a time. After years of intensive training at the Chicago School of Industrial Strength Music, Tim has become an accomplished electric banjist, buskiteer, harmonicizer, and rail-pipe musician.
Tim feels that world peace will not be reached until his goal of world domination has been established, at which point he will institute the one world religion of love and harmony and pumpkin juice gargling.
On a personal note, Tim is the ladies man of the band, having been proposed to by several large women during our world tour.
Taylor -- On his sixth birthday, Taylor Tinsley was given a drumset which bore the prestigious label of Fisher Price. After beating on it for several years, he became completely distraught over his disgusting lack of any rhythmic sense. In spite of discouragement from his friends and family, he pressed on, practicing for two or three hours every day. As a result. he lost the few friends he had, and became known all through high school as "the kid who plays the Fisher Price drum."
On his eighteenth birthday, Taylor committed himself to science, permitting the men in the long white coats to turn him into a mandroid providing they could instill him with some sense of rhythm. So they sucked out his blood and removed his brain and replaced it all with expensive high-tech hardware (which was paid for with your taxdollars!), and he became the first cyborg. Sadly, he has a malfunctory "attention span" chip. He soon got fed up with experiments and ran away to play his drum in peace. His attempt to hide from the government brought him to Lake City, CO (naturally), where we picked him up and gave him a place in our band. He soon got bored with that, too, and is now in college attempting to re-grow his brain.