Philip Hassey
(Creative Writing)
the militia/self esteem camp
"So what are we going to do this summer, before the mission trip?" asked Giff.
"Maybe we should go to a camp," I said.
"Yeah, that's a good idea, we could go canoeing on the lake, and swim and shoot bows, and
guns, and make weapons, and cut things with knives," said Doug.
"Sounds good to me," said Giff.
"Where should we go?" I asked.
"I dunno, we should find a really cheap place, since finances are always a problem for these
Militia ventures," said Doug.
"This looks like a good one," said Doug looking up from the pile of pamphlets, "Dangerous
Dan's Discount Death Camp."
"Sounds pretty good," said Giff, "how many weeks does it go for?"
"Let me see," said Doug, "on the back it mentions something about ‘if you ever come out.'"
"Sounds mildly discouraging to me, I like the looks of this one, Crazy Eddie's Discount S.E.
Camp," I said.
"What does S.E. stand for?" asked Giff.
"I dunno," I said, "but on the back it says that at Crazy Eddie's, everyone is a winner."
"Sounds like fun," said Doug, "let's go for it."
Several weeks later, after amassing enough provisions for the trek out to the came, we set off in
the machine. About five days later we arrived at the camp, and were greeted with their welcome banner,
"Welcome to Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp, Where Everyone is a Winner!"
"What do they mean, ‘Everyone,' what if one of the kids is a real loser?" asked Giff.
"Then we beat him up," said Doug, "What else?"
"Oh yeah," said Giff, "But, they imply that everyone is a winner, what do they mean?"
"Maybe everyone is cool at this camp," I said.
"And if they aren't?" asked Giff.
"We beat them up," said Doug, "What else?"
"At any rate," I began, "we have our machetes, not much can go wrong."
"Hello, and welcome to Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp, my name is Todd," said
Todd, "Since Crazy Eddie passed away a few months ago, I have become the new camp coordinator. If
you have any questions, please feel obligated to refer them to me. Remember, the only dumb questions are
the ones you don't ask."
"What do we do at this camp?" asked Giff.
"Well, at Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp, Everyone is a Winner. We play a lot of
Self Esteem building games. Non-competitive, non-controversial, and non-agitative games, where we all
work together in order to all become winners."
"What if someone is better at it that someone else, are they more of a winner than them?" asked
Doug.
"No, at Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp, Everyone is a Winner. That means that
Everyone is Just as Much of a Winner as Everyone Else!"
"Let's say that someone falls and gets hurt during one of these so called games, would they be a
loser, because they didn't finish the game?" I asked.
"No, at Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp, Everyone is a Winner. That means that if
someone gets hurt, every gets hurt too. It's a real bonding thing that we try to encourage in the
Conformity."
"What's the Conformity?" asked Doug.
"That's sort of a nick-name we gave Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp. Sometimes it
gets to be a mouthful to say its complete name, so we just call it the Conformity."
"But why do you call it the Conformity?" asked Doug.
"Because, when everyone is the same, then no one feels left out," said Todd, "and then everyone
is a winner. Well boys, question time is over for now, and it is almost night, so you better get to your
cabins before it gets dark so that no one gets hurt walking around in the dark."
"Okay, Todd," we said in unison before we stood up and slowly trudged to our cabin.
"All right boys," said Todd, "wake up, it's 5:30. Early to bed early to rise makes Everyone a
Winner."
"What do you want from us at this ungodly hour of the morning," I moaned from inside my
sleeping bag.
"I want you to bounce out of bed and get ready for our morning exercize routine that we do before
breakfast here at the Conformity."
"Exercize?" asked Doug, "We didn't come here for that! We came here to shoot at things!"
"Shoot at things?" said Todd in a shocked voice, "We do not shoot at things, here at the
Conformity. We participate in fun Self Esteem building activites. Shooting promotes violence which is
clearly not in the guidelines of this fine establishment."
"How do you figure this is a fine establishment?" asked Giff, "We paid $25 for a whole week of
this, and already we've learned that we're getting what we paid for. Do you see that?"
"I believe that would be a hole," responded Todd.
"In the floor," said Giff, "I almost got killed last night."
"If you had gotten to bed right when we told you to, it would have been bright enough out for you
to see it. Now get dressed and meet the rest of us on the field."
"Skrew..." began Doug.
"Now!" commanded Todd.
"Okay," said Doug. We slowly conformed and got dressed for the morning exercises.
"All right, everybody, we are going to do some pushups," said Todd. The Militia conformed to
his request and did a dozen or so apiece, after which we stood up and surveyed the field. There were
about a hundred campers at the Crazy Eddie's Discount Self Esteem Camp. Almost all of them were thin,
weak, undernourished boys.
"I can't do pushups," wined one of the more healthy looking boys of the bunch.
"Neither can I," said another.
"Okay then," said Todd, "we won't do pushups anymore, we wouldn't want anyone to feel weak
or inadequate. We'll continue on with our exercises in a round of finger flexes," for the next twenty
minutes, we flexed our fingers. It was long, boring, and a lot easier than it sounds. Several boys passed
out during the exercises, but Todd promised us that we'd all get trophies at the closing ceremonies for at
least trying to participate in the morning exercises.
"Welcome to lunch time," said Todd, "congratulations on finding the mess hall. Not every has
done it, but I see a few people are missing, and that's all right. Here are the Conformity, we don't want to
pressure anyone into doing anything that they don't want to do. However, just a reminder that when you
conform to what we're all doing, we all get along a lot better, so don't go getting any individualistic ideas.
You might do something out of the ordinary and crush many self esteems besides your own."
"That was a load," said Giff.
"Let's string him up," said Doug.
"Either that or crush his self esteem," I said.
"Crush," said Doug.
"Self esteem," said Giff.
"This afternoon," began Todd, "we are going to do a fun self esteem building activity. We're all
going to stand in a circle and hold hands while we sing patriotic songs. Come on now, everyone hold
hands. Holding hands makes us feel unified."
"I'm not holding you're hand," said Doug.
"Neither am I," I said to them. Giff began to hold hands with one of the boys, but soon realized
that he'd be labeled as one of them if he didn't follow our lead.
"Boys?" asked Todd, "are you going to join our circle of unity?"
"No," said Doug.
"Why not?" asked Todd.
"Because it would damage our self esteems," I said.
"No it wouldn't, it will build your self esteem. Join the group, become part of our family."
"No," said Doug. Todd carried on, and ignored us. They sang patriotic songs. We stood there
and watched for a while. It was a depressing sight to see all these perfectly good people go to waste at the
hands of Todd. Singing away America the Beautiful like mindless sheep as they stood there in the hot
afternoon sun. Three of the boys passed out due to heat exhaustion after about twenty minutes.
"So," said Doug, "what are we going to do?"
"We need to overthrow the system," said Giff.
"Remember lunch?" I asked.
"I'd rather not, that repulsive gray mixture they plopped on my plate didn't exactly arouse a
whole lot of excitement," said Doug.
"Tomorrow at lunch, we will strike. Most the boys made it to lunch, and those don't are probably
too weak to join in anyway."
"Welcome to lunch today, boys," said Todd. Then look at us, he said, "What are you doing out of
uniform? And how did you get those large blades into the camp?" We slowly approached him from all
sides, "What do you think you're doing?" We carefully removed our machetes from their sheaths, "You
can't do this, I'm the top man here."
"Not any more," said Doug, as he pointed his machete at Todd's neck. Giff took out the rope and
began to tie him up.
"Stop this immediately," said Todd, "you will damage the self esteems of the boys."
"Self esteem this, pal," I said as I gave the man a nice punch across the face. Giff finished him
off with the rope, and left him for dead in a small broom closet.
Doug whipped out his machete again, and sliced the head table in two, kicked aside the dead
wood, and stood tall among the wreckage, as his voice rang out, "I know what the problem is here," he
looked at all the thin white faces of the boys which were attached to their scrawny necks that were
protruding from their burgundy self esteem clothes, "You boys probably haven't had a good donut or some
orange juice for years," he paused again for dramatic effect, "Bring in the stuff, boys," he shouted towards
the door.
The door was immediately smashed down by the large keg of orange juice that was rolled in
through it, followed by a gigantic array of donuts.
"Kill and eat, boys," said Doug in a large commanding voice.
"Now!" screamed Giff, as he began to crack a threatening whip into the air. The whole Militia
began to crack our whips into the air. It was fun.
Needless to say, what went on for the rest of the week, after we got the boys back into their own
heads, made the donut fairy more than thrilled. We were rewards beyond our wildest dreams upon our
return to home. That's when we beat up Blazyk for wearing a dress.
