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The Certifiable History of Microwavable Pork Rinds
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The Complete History of Microwaveable Pork Rinds
By Justin McDonald, Historian
The true origins of Microwaveable Pork Rinds are clouded in mystery, and folklore. According to Celtic
legend they were first discovered by the mighty warrior and seamstress Fáel Gilla, which roughly translated means
Child of the Wolf. He was a hairy man, and it was frequently said that he needed to bathe. However, he rose to the
status of the leader of the clan, despite his seeming unpopularity by holding the secret of the delicacy of the pork
rind. It was said that the druids gave him knowledge and power to make these treats, and they gave him the ability
to become the greatest leader in Celtic history. He would have attained this, but strangely he died of a heart attack at
a very young age, and modern historians believe that he may have actually eaten some of these Pork Rinds and gone
against the commands of the mysterious druids. However, this is just a myth, and we have no capability to verify
nor deny it.
The first confirmed appearance of Pork Rinds is found in England in 1513. Early phrenologists (scientists
who determined people's personalities, and propencities through reading the shape of their scalp, and the bumps on
the skull) determined at birth which children would live lives of crime, and be a detriment to society, and these
children were forced to eat Microwaveable Pork Rinds, at least one bag per day. It shortened their life span my
many years, and society as a whole was far better off.
The Pork Rinds were no longer used after 1530 when the officials in England learned to harness the
capabilities of the Bubonic Plague. The use of Plague was considered to be more humane in the speed of death. At
the same time France, who had been using Pork Rinds for the past ten years to thin out the masses of poor and
otherwise inferior people, also stopped using Pork Rinds for this purpose due to the discovery of wars that would
kill most of the people who were not aristocratic.
Pork Rinds seemed to disappear from history for a lengthy period of time, but during the Civil War in
America the South was suffering some major economic set backs, and they rediscovered Pork Rinds as a cheap
alternative to food. They were given to the Rebel soldiers for rations since they probably wouldn't live much longer
anyway. However, as the war ended the survivors brought the recipes for Pork Rinds back to their families, and it
soon rose to the level of redneck delicacy. It caused blindness in a few, life spans were shortened in many southern
states, but in general no one cared since they were just a bunch of uneducated hicks. And throughout the ages Pork
Rinds have been eaten by the lower classes of society, and the upper crust has made them easier to attain, and mass
marketed them in places like Wal-Mart where you can by your very own bag of "Hot and Spicy Microwaveable
Pork Rinds.
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PORK RINDS!
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