The Basics of Microwavable Pork Rinds
Pork rinds don't grow on trees! Rinds are health!
Pork rinds are pretty! Frequently Asked Questions about Pork Rinds
By Justin McDonald, Pork Rind Expert

1. Where can I get Microwaveable Pork Rinds?

        I have found them in the snack section of my local Wal-Mart, but if they are not found in your department stores you should check the health food stores, the military surplus stores, or the local area for hicks and rednecks.

2. What do Microwaveable Pork Rinds look like before they burst forth into their glorious fiery, delicious edible state?

        They are thin, brown rocks. They have the form and consistency of a classic Native American arrowhead. History may someday show that Native Americans harnessed the incredible power of unborn Pork Rinds in warfare.

3. What motivated you to eat your first Microwaveable Pork Rind?

        I was a college student, I was hungry, I was hanging with some insane friends, enough said.

4. What can I do to create the perfect Pork Rind experience for the girl I love?

        The first thing that you have to do is prepare ahead of time so that you are not fumbling around when she is ready to experience the joy and beauty of Pork Rinds. I recommend cutting open a bag of Microwaveable Pork Rinds before hand, and pouring the unbursted contents into a champagne glass. Have a microwave that you can watch the contents through, and put a single pork rind in it. With her at your side you should turn the microwave on for about a minute and a half, and watch together. The Pork Rind will grow before your eyes. Remove it from the microwave when it has grown to its fullest extent, and give it to her to eat while it is still hot and rubbery. After that take several more Pre-Pork Rinds and make a heart out of them. Put them in the microwave for a longer period of time (this will depend on your microwave), and you can watch the heart grow, and writhe as your love for each other also does. If this girl is truly special you may want to put a ring on an unexpanded Pork Rind, and cook it before hand so that you can honor her with a truly special and memorable Pork Rind Experience.

5. I left a bag of Microwaveable Pork Rinds in my room too long, how do I get the smell out?

        There is no good way to accomplish this. I usually leave all my windows and my door open, then I go visit friends for a couple of hours, and pray that the smell has diminished slightly by the time I get back.

6. Aren't Pork Rinds unhealthy?

        This is a great lie spread by the same people who try to make you believe that UFOs aren't stealing all of the Earth's butter. But we know the truth. Pork Ri nds are perfectly healthy, and a great number of people die of heart attacks when they are thirty. However, among the eaters of Microwaveable Pork Rinds which have sixty percent less fat that fried pork rinds (it says so right on the bag) the chances of heart attack are greatly reduced. The majority of these people do not die of a heart attack until they are 32, or maybe even 35.
Pork is rindy!
Rind people are happy people! Rinds come from the small Pirate of Yuganda!

Back to all you want to know about pork rinds!
Galcon   Watermelons   Dynamite   The Hairy Chestival
All content of imitation pickles (c) 1999-2008 - Phil Hassey  "we care"